How to Have Difficult Conversations with People who Overstep their Boundaries

We live in a world where people can become offensive in what they do or say at times. We may say that the person just 'crossed the line' because he or she has overstepped his or her boundaries, and may want to shy away from addressing the situation. However, as I have learnt while not every situation or offense necessitates action, sometimes it is best if we may want to remain in a cordial relationship with that person, or simply, begin a process of bringing some closure for us.  

Understanding how to deal with such situations can be an art, especially when we are tempted to 'return the favor' and react in an odious manner, instead of responding with calm, courtesy and diplomacy.

So, let's examine a few points on how we can deal with these persons without reacting in ways that do not reflect our persona or our character.

1. You may want to first view the situation as an opportunity to learn and grow. Let's face it, life teaches us and the experience of being offended can be used to challenge us to grow. We learn from the situation as we accept that the person has revealed to us who they are and how they respond or react in certain situations. Then, if we learn our emotional triggers (what may easily offend us) or situations that are not acceptable (a definite no-no for us) for us, we are better able to guard ourselves so that the offense from the same person doesn't potentially happen again.

2. Keep in mind that you want to remain respectful to others at all times and sometimes that means being the "bigger person" by exhibiting maturity. Even if we are not religious, we may have been taught to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That's where emotional intelligence comes to the fore.

3. Before we approach the offender on the matter, it is important that we let our inner thoughts guide us prior to having that conversation. It is therefore advisable that we plan our words beforehand and try our utmost best to stick to our main points that we want to communicate to the other person.

4. Choose a location and time when there are less distractions for both parties. That way, we are focused on what we want to say and how we present it to the person who offended us. A "neutral setting" usually helps if the offense took place at home with a family member or friend, or at work with a colleague. So avoid having that difficult conversation in the same location where the offense occurred.

5. Be mindful that the other person may or may not be amenable and therefore, receptive to what is said. Because conversations of this nature can be confusing or sensitive as well for the other party, we may receive a blank stare or the person may become defensive. Keep in mind that maintaining a calm composure and being able to clearly communicate your feelings is the objective, and not to cause an unnecessary lifelong rift. Be willing to agree to disagree if no other common ground can be found.

6. Thank the person for taking the time to listen to our concerns and give them the opportunity to respond. If no response is forthcoming, then ensure that the conversation comes to an end in a courteous manner. This one can be easily overlooked when we are trying to get across our points, but it is something we may want to consider, since we want to remain respectful. 

In responding to persons who offend us, we need to cultivate emotional intelligence. One thing that we should be mindful of is that people may be offensive without realizing it. How so, since we live in an age of information? Yes, while that is true, do remember that each one of us is shaped by our upbringing or environment and experiences. Therefore, it can take insurmountable strength to shift our mindsets and be open to learning and having the earnest desire to change even when we see our true selves in the mirror. What do I mean by this? Simply, after exposure to information, people only change if they want to. 

By Ruth Ferguson