Mr. and Mrs. Right

Who is really the Right One?

Some single women often hope that Mr. Right will someday come along or find them and sweep them off their feet, and bachelors who want life-long partners may be in search of that Mrs. Right to be by their sides. Those quests can sometimes take them both - women and men on journeys - sometimes interesting and very bumpy ones too. Why is that? Because some single people while they want Mr. or Mrs. Right in their lives, may not be intent on being that Mr. Right or Mrs. Right first and foremost for someone else. So, the Right One begins with us.

While our level of maturity, sense of responsibility and other aspects, like financial security and the ability to love unconditionally and unselfishly play important roles in our relationship-readiness, our emotional state is a crucial part as well. The reality that the courtship journey becomes bumpy for some is harsh but can be the result of unseen wounds that need to heal due to a traumatic past - whether from childhood or adult relationships. For others, the bumpy journey was the consequence of persons not heeding the warning of a trusted friend or family member, or the red flags that they themselves saw early in those relationships. So they continued the relationship and things did not turn out well. Nevertheless, unseen scars can be difficult to heal from because they may take considerable time and determination, sometimes more than physical wounds. Imagine having a cut and instead of patiently allowing the body to naturally heal itself, while resting, medicating or intently taking precautions, you or I determine that we are on the mend quicker than we really are. In doing so, the wound becomes aggravated and takes longer to heal. The same thing happens with emotional scars. That is the reason for the saying, "hurt people, hurt people."

Recognizing and dealing with hurts

While there are situations where people deliberately hurt others, I have learnt that is often not the case with everyone who inflicts hurt on another. Just as with a physical wound, where there is an emotional one, there is sensitivity as a result of the pain being felt. 

So, it may seem like common sense to attend to a physical wound in a timely and careful manner to ensure that it heals well, but do we recognize and give the same attention to an emotional one? Let's dive into this topic of emotional wounds some more. 

There are recognizable signs in people experiencing emotional trauma or pain. Here, I will discuss only a few recognizable signs based on my own experiences.

Getting overly emotional

Excessive emotions are often experienced in situations that are conflicting with our ideas or opinions, or brought about by our feelings being hurt (sensitivity). Some people may think that a person who exhibits excessive emotional reactions shows immaturity or that it may be justifiable in certain situations, but often it is much more than that. If it is clearly unwarranted, it's much deeper than the eyes could see and a cry for help. 

Similar to a physical wound, pain is present and we often want it to go away soon, but it doesn't until it is totally healed. One's emotions often become raw in situations where the unhealed person feels as an object of criticism and one who is being undeservingly attacked by someone else. So, let's say that I was told that I needed to pay more attention to the manner in which I say things, but instead of accepting that comment as constructive criticism, I began crying uncontrollably and ranting about nothing I ever say is good enough. In that moment, my emotional pain was stirring to the point of an outburst of emotions because of a painful memory or past experience. So, that constructive criticism was viewed as a personal attack, even though the comment came from a person who genuinely cared about my personal growth.

Being jealous of someone who is genuinely nice

Insecurities of ourselves and an inability to communicate our feelings well to people can result in jealousy. If we are in the company of someone who is confident about himself or herself and displays genuine kindness to others, in an unhealed state, we may think that the person is exhibiting superiority, has ulterior motives and is disingenuous. Therefore, we may loathe their kindness and want to keep them at bay by our words or negative actions. Trusting others, feeling a sense of security, having self-esteem and confidence in oneself are major factors to accepting or dispelling what others say or how they treat us. The reverse can be more damaging to our self-esteem if we believe certain things to be true but they are not.

Having the belief that we are not accountable for our actions

This sign may be overlooked because some people think it is normal to blame others for what has happened or is happening in their lives. Is it justifiable to do so, even when persons may have contributed to some negative aspect of our lives? No, it is not. Any responsible parent would teach their children accountability so that trait could be carried into adulthood. If you can recall a time while growing up that you did something wrong as an elder sibling and blamed your younger sibling but still was scolded by a parent for that wrongdoing, you would understand this point. Accountability is ours to bear and no one else's. We do not shift or assign blame to someone else for negative behavior because it is convenient or easy. Accepting responsibility and being accountable for our actions in our adult life is ours. When we assign blame, we are essentially saying that the other person has control over us and our lives. Do we really want to allow anyone to have so much power over us? I doubt that very much.

Next steps

So, what do we do next, seeing that we have recognized a few signs that we are emotionally wounded? My advice is to consider taking a step back and not rush into any life-long commitment (such as marriage), but instead seek help. This may seem obvious but it is a bold step. Why? Because it is attractive to appear flawless (we have everything together), so we show only our strengths and no weaknesses to others. However, we are all human beings and are imperfect. Just because what may affect you, may have little or no effect on me, does not mean that I am invincible. Hence, we all do need help or guidance from others at times.

For those who believe that therapy and counselling is for "crazy people", think again. Even if we seek out help and guidance from a trusted friend or confidant, healing is definitely needed in order to foster healthy relationships with others. However, depending on the depth of the emotional wound, more professional help may be needed. Think about it. Do we just visit a general practitioner for a condition which requires a specialist or surgeon? No, unless the general practitioner is the referring doctor. So, let us normalize seeking help when and from where it is needed. After all, our mission while waiting for Mr. Right or in search of Mrs. Right should also be to ensure that we are the right person for him or her.

If you are already in a long term relationship and developing emotional reactions which you hadn't experienced before that relationship, it is time to also seek guidance. I invite you to read my book, "Room Without Walls: A Transformational Journey" and embark on your healing journey today. My book is a memoir with a more thematic structure based on Biblical principles. It also contains self-help steps to guide persons towards emotional healing. While you learn more about my experiences, you will discover how much emotional healing is possible with self-determination and self-efficacy. So, there is no need to walk around with emotional baggage weighing you down. Instead, let's practice self care. Like a physical wound, the swifter we attend to it, the greater the chances that it will heal well. Therefore, I encourage you to start today and get the help you need. Trust me, your future healed self will thank you for that decision in months and years to come.

By Ruth Ferguson